MESSAGE
| DATE | 2004-09-13 |
| FROM | Ruben Safir Secretary NYLXS
|
| SUBJECT | Subject: [hangout] I am a man, and you are a woman
|
I am a man, and you are a woman
Reply to: anon-40606332-at-craigslist.org
Date: Thu Aug 26 15:46:11 2004
Hi.
Reasons to date me:
- I am a man.
This means the following:
- I have a penis (dimensions upon request)
- I have two testicles (dimensions upon request)
- I complain
- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)
- I emit occasionally offensive odors
- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from
historical data)
- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)
- I drink
- I drink more than you (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)
- I drink to get drunk (see note above re: poor morning disposition)
- I drink to make you fun
- I curse (if you don't like it, fuck you)
- I am fun (ask anybody, except your friend Jessica - she's a bitch
anyway)
- I employ logic to solve a problem
- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing the winning
percentage of the NY Giants
- I hate your ex-boyfriends
- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes
- I do stupid shit like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a
dinner party whenever the conversation bores me
- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase "This is so
fun/great/exciting/etc" they are internally miserable
- I lie, but only to avoid offending you ("Those jeans look great on
you")
- I watch porn (frequency is inversely proportional to our sexual
frequency)
- I am presumptuous (see note above re: our sexual frequency)
- I watch sports
- I listen to music that makes me feel good
- I say your friend is getting fat when I know damn well she weighs
less than you do
- I hate PDA
- I think you have at least 2 hot friends
- I am messy
- I think your friends suck
- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference
- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your
cigarette
- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument
- I love me, with or without you
What I'm looking for:
- A woman
This means the following:
- You have a vagina (details on plumage to be sent with picture)
- You have two breasts (dimensions to be sent with picture)
- You bitch
- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like
blaming your own problems on me)
- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over
the phone when responding to a joke you know isn't funny)
- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what
strangers think of you)
- You eat chicken and sushi
- You drink apple martinis
- You drink fewer apple martinis than I do (assuming you weigh less
than 175 pounds)
- You drink to forget abusive ex-boyfriends
- You drink to make me bearable to be around
- You curse (and I like it)
- You're fun, whenever you're not around your girlfriends (that Jessica
turns you into such a bitch)
- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your
solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence
contained in the sentence "just because.")
- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string
theory
- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still
trying to fuck you
- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded
- You do stupid shit like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of
the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the
same drawer that the screwdriver is in
- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say "This is so
fun/great/exciting/etc" that you are forcing it
- You like it when I lie
- You hate porn, but only because you know it can replace you, if only
temporarily
- You are presumptuous ("Where are we going for dinner?")
- You watch reality TV
- You listen to music that makes you cry
- You say you're getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza
- You like PDA because you're starved for attention
- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me
embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make
them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you're making them seem
more attainable
- You are somehow messier than I am, but it's always my fault
- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you'll
never admit it
- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can
control
- You always smell like your shampoo
- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an
argument is futile (see note above re: logic)
- You love being with someone
- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true
email me. I tell it like it is.
____________________________
NYLXS: New Yorker Free Software Users Scene
Fair Use -
because it's either fair use or useless....
NYLXS is a trademark of NYLXS, Inc
|
|
